As I played the chords of All You Need is Love I began to sing aloud the lyrics. “There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t where you’re meant to be. It’s easy… All you need is love, love. Love is all you need”. I suddenly stopped. Oh God. I think that he knows. What if he knows? I’d quickly succumb to the mental affects of staunched love, a decade’s past.
Love. A word I often dodge these days. A word that’s caused me nothing but pain. Far from over but under-joyed. Broken pieces of crushed promises and false hope mended with silly putty — he thought I was a toy. Encased in titanium, my new heart beats without blood. Fuck love, now, but love it was then. Love it will always be, at least, for him. Hmmm. Garrin and I were such idiots back then to think that the others couldn’t see it. Blinded by our own inability to perceive clearly, shades of black and grey now just greyer shades of grey. Semi-suppressed memories with no remedy. I wonder if he misses me. Absurdity, yet I laughed and buried my face in jasmine scented palms and inhaled. Nostalgia. The smell, lightly exotic, heavily erotic, I welcomed the awakening of my senses, the tingle in my spine, the moisture in my tongue suckled across thick lips. I sat up, adjusted my hips and breathed out sighs of reminiscence not relief as I mentally replayed the reverberation of last night’s encounter. The last night’s encounter, a decade’s past. Last night. There was always a last night. Always a memory. Always an “us”. Us. Such a distant reality made of foolish decisions, stubborn arrogances and cruel intentions. We were bred fearless, taught to live our dreams, respect the soul of man, and…And…recognize the one. But one of us folded. It was we, really. We folded. I, then him, then him, then me. I loved to play the major key of G but in time I got warped and wrapped in the chords of me, E, minor. Music majors we were. My piano to his guitar. I played inviting melodies and he strummed hard. The last night’s encounter, the ooh, ahh, ohh, noo, yes, wait, umm, go, yes, no, yes, yes I giggled. He smiled. I smiled. He held. I growled, filling the room with harmonious sounds. Soft pursed lips quenched by warm mocha skin, flesh on flesh, the love within. With bated breath, upon sweet neck kisses and stares so vicious, he was an animal in need. I denied him again. But he wanted me. And I, him. His tongue, a paralyzing trigger, overwhelmed with the thought of approaching, approaching, approaching, I’ve arrived. “Not yet”, he whispered. A well watered garden he never entered. A voice so beautiful an impression so strong, he could emotionally fuck me all night long. He reigned and I rained every time he uttered, “You like that don’t you?” He always knew my buttons. Power.
No relationship just friends with all the benefits that emotions lend. No sex but his whole mind, his whole heart, all his time.
But I remember the day when I broke his heart, the look he gave, the pain, the shock. To look in another man’s eyes, to know that he wasn’t for me, to see the pain I saw when playing the major key of G. I knew then he was the one. The one I was taught to see. I’d never felt anything like that, a chemistry with no reprieve, so overwhelming to the point that I had to leave. I denied it was love all the while I knew. Love couldn’t be so soon. I hadn’t conquered the moon. But deep down inside I wanted him to see, that I knew who he was and loved him dearly. I hoped he’d come after me. He never did. Nor did I send his request. A love a decade’s past, an opportunity I’ve come to regret. I never said those three words then. I don’t know that I can say them now. My heart is so cold, I don’t know that I’ll ever know how. So I embrace deep inside, every detail, every smile of last night’s encounter. The last night’s encounter before I began my quest of frowns and turn downs from men who never understood me, afraid of my shining crown. I slowly lost myself, the woman I was ordained to be. But never did I ever question who I was when playing the major key of G. I began to play again, and sing along in unison, “There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done. Nothing you can sing that can’t be sung. Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game. It’s easy.”
I’m ready to play. All you need is love. Love is all you need. Yeah, I think that he knows. But I’ve evolved and now I’m playing the major chord of E. An ode to G.